there's no more EV in the pharmacies here.
today i panicked and came up with a plan: i'll switch to the medroxy/EC combo shot, maybe along with lenzetto ... to tide me over
until i can harvest my own e from mutant pigs in the post-apocalyptic wastes of rural iowa.
or until i get to seattle
fuck.
i need someone to be excited for and proud of me.
and my mom ain't that
edit: i applied for the library job in seattle!
my abuser is moving back to bogotá.
we're moving too!
another face-laser day.
i wake up thinking about application statements
last night the delivery guy called me "señora" twice.
then we got high. i was amazed at my boldness.
as if i should still be living my quiet boy life not causing anyone any trouble.
sometimes i feel that i'm angrier now. less abiding.
maybe it's because i have more to protect.
anabel "babalú" "little bell" "the reaper" "boombox" "peach pit" "babalugui" lee, our household's smallest calico and loudest purrer, passed away this morning at nearly 16 years old.
thinking of going to library school again.
thinking of getting the hell out of here.
i'm sorry for teaching m anger, but i also like the rage she has for the people who hurt me.
getting drunk on rum, marking my height on the wall. a tradition.
anabel's back home with a special food and medication.
went to visit the little cat today. she's doing well, eating and screaming (totally normal).
it's freezing in here. the rain hasn't let up.
i wish i'd gotten to wear my dresses in new york
m woke me up this morning. our cat anabel is sick. we took her to the vet clinic close by, and they hospitalized her for dehydration. her kidneys were hard. they'll do blood tests and imaging. even though she must be in pain, she was purring so hard the vet couldn't listen to her heart or lungs.
i got up earlier today. that's a start.
the laser's definitely working, and i'm really happy about it.
last night i was thinking about a picture of me (now lost) at 15 wearing blue eye shadow and a tight top. and i thought about charlie, the boy behind the camera, and how safe i'd felt in his bed.
ending the day feeling ugly and stupid
i got home late, and m had made food. i brought her her favorite juice from the airport. we listened to the radio while we ate.
in the morning, i told her a bad memory i'd uncovered the day before. now we're resting and reading ... i feel sick from the trip. we're still listening to the radio.
it rained and hailed so hard this afternoon! the park flooded, and our cat got scared by the noise.
i think i might get really into xiu xiu now.
you know what, i think i can deal with this. i mean, i kinda have to.
it felt good, anyway, to go out not so bundled up.
the morning was cool, and we walked my sister's dog through the park and then said goodbye at her subway station.
i wore a thin gray shirt that m bought me
the woman at the check-in desk thought i was a girl ...
until i handed her my passport.
it helps i'm wearing a mask.
my mom always told me i'd never grow facial hair because of
... "my blood" ... (god, who raised me?) ...
but that wasn't true.
it just took its time.
i still had hardly any well into my twenties.
whenever i'd shave my grandfather's beard, after he got sick,
he'd say how lucky i was to not have to worry about that myself.
m's nice and says i shouldn't give the mask too much credit.
11:20 AM "you have been selected for a special security screening"
a dude touched my boobs behind a partition.
i'm tired. no one makes me feel pretty except m.
everyone makes me feel weird except m.
i haaaate packing.
i kinda haaaate traveling.
i'm bringing two dresses.
two more stories left in another casey plett book.
my cat is a beautiful creature, and i hope he never dies.
the skin on my upper lip and chin feels smoother, i don't know.
i bought two bras to be delivered to my sister's apartment while i'm there in new york.
while we're walking home from the store, i hear a lot of men talking or singing to themselves as they fly by on their bikes.
today, i was looking through old pictures from my dead brother-in-law's harddrives.
we've moved the low wooden table into m's room, and we sit around it on cushions all day long. then we push it against the wall at night and lay the beds down beside it.
i don't know how i'll go a week without her.
i'm nervous!!!
edit: it went great! did my first session today. the doctor asked me if i was on hormones, and i was like, no (gut reaction), ehh ... sí .... sí
for a girl who takes as many pills as i do, i sure am bad at taking pills.
tomorrow, i'm going in for a consult appointment at a laser hair removal clinic. for my face.
worried about money as usual.